The perks of being a wallflower

Status: Bachelor in Electrical Engineering with Honest.

by syaazdn;

To my face you're a friend. Nice and sweet. You always have something nice to say but when my back is turned and I can no longer see you. You turn into someone else who is vicious and mean. You tell all your friends and some of mine too about all the things I never did to you. Then I turn back and look upon your face and all I can see is the false truth in your eyes and I believe in you what harm could you ever do to me? Little did I know this whole time you've been telling everybody everything. You've been making mountains out of mole hills. You've been turning my good into bad my truths into lies and it hurts. What did I ever do to you? You were the only one I could rely on at one point in time. I thought for sure you would always be there. I had your back and I thought you had mine. Things never work out the way you want them to. That's what I've heard but I thought things with you were different. I always had a feeling it might happen. I just wish I would have listened to my heart. Your words stab so deep. I don't think they will ever heal. My heart is shattered into pieces and I have no one to help pick up the pieces. I just always thought you would be the one standing next to me through everything. I need you, well I needed you. I get sick just thinking about it. I can't stand what you did to me. I don't even think I can stand you. So fake and so full of nothing. How can you live with yourself?  I've always, always tried to be a friend which is more than I can say for you. Today I stopped trying to be 'someone' for somebody who never thought of me as anyone appreciated and important to them. Inside I know the space I had for them is now crushed and broken. Let the facts be out in the open and the truth be spoken. In time it will be for the best although I feel an emptiness knowing what I considered worthwhile proved shallow and unreal. I've learned sometimes emotions seem clearer than perception and eventually can lead to a heartbreaking revelation that someone cherished proves that their friendship was in fact deception. I cry tears of realization that once again I believed the lies that were in disguise and covered up. Honesty was masked with coy flattery. Why was I so darn naive? I can and will move on but I won't forget I was forgotten and actually believed a lie. Not a lie out of the mouth but of the heart. That piece of friendship is now torn apart. I mustn't be sorry for the encouragement and love I shared because I know what I offered was itself a dare. A dare to let someone be a part of me who didn't find a reason to care. Moments like these are rare. Moments that I feel what I felt to be 'nothing' now and bare. Thanks for the lesson learned and always remembered. You were a 'lucky' someone who successfully got a part of the best of me. Now I'll throw away the scattered and useless pieces and leave you be.
by syaazdn;

Some say a broken heart is like a shattered vase. Fragile pieces scattered all over the place. The shattered pieces of broken glass seem to go everywhere unlike the pieces of a broken heart that seem to pierce your soul. With faith and hope you try to mend the broken heart unlike the vase it cannot be so easily replaced. It takes a while to mend it and then you lock it up. You hide the key and wait to see if someone can be found. A special person who will use the key to unlock the heart. A unique person who will handle the heart with gentle hands. Who can be honest, truthful and handle it with care. My heart and I wonder is there really that kind of person out there. And finally I've met you. I treasured you in my heart. I wished we'd never be apart because you're the best thing I've ever had. I never thought I could be this sad. You told me you're better off alone. Baby, I guess it was never meant to be, I miss what we used to be but baby, can't you see that I'm dying? I've spent all of my lonely nights crying, making myself believe it's not true and end up waking in the morning without you. My heart seems to shatter every time I hear your voice reminding me of what we had and your stupid choice. I wish I had never made that stupid decision, the one that changed my life forever. I wish I could still make you see how much you meant to me. Somehow I believed you and I tried to be strong. Deep inside me I know something is wrong but because I loved you I continued to hold on. And the one day I woke up with tears in my eyes, I told myself "That's enough." and so I realized that I've given everything I've ever had but despite all of these you chose to break my heart. It's true I've never been perfect but I thought you told me that everyone has it's own defects. I know that I hurt you, I know I made you cry but I've always been true to you, my love was never a lie.
by syaazdn;

It feels like I'm waiting for something good to happen and at the same time it's like I'm wasting time. I really don't know what's wrong with me. Some days I feel fine and some days I don't. It's like I planned out everything already in my head, on how to fix things in my life and I can't fucking do it. It's like I'm scared of some shit; not really scared but it's like I'm frozen. I don't know what the fuck it is. Maybe it's because I'm not happy or I don't have motivation. I'm so good with helping people with their life and giving advice but when it comes to me I'm stuck. I don't get myself at all. Shit. It is so fucking simple but yet so complicated. My parents bug me on certain shit and just don't understand that I'm trying. I wake up everyday feeling tired. And I try my hardest to catch up on my sleep and not stay up so late every night but I can't. It's like no matter how much sleep I get, I feel tired when I wake up and throughout the day. And during the day it's literally me distracting myself to stay happy. Not even happy but just okay. It's like I have no motivation to do anything and that's where it comes back to what I said... It's like I'm waiting for something to happen but what the fuck am I waiting for though. I know what I have to do. I know the little steps but it just feels like I can't do them. I have hope every now and then like "Yes I'm going to get my life together now". You know? Like I can do this but it just goes away and I'm back to the same mood.
by syaazdn;

Strange isn't it that people don't like you, irrespective of being friendly. No matter how often that happens, we never get used to it. I feel curious to know why? Are you really so bad and unpleasant? Definitely not, you are as good and amazing, as any one of us here. Then, why this situation in your life? Do you like the people whom you claim to be so friendly with? Have you really been nice to them, always with no kind of grudges or despair within? Is your friendship genuine, or just for the sake of having someone around? Oh, I learned to handle it because I had to, but it's never comfortable to be disliked. Of course other people's reactions matter to you. This is also true for all of us to some extent or other, even those people who like to shout about how little they care what anyone thinks. If they really didn't care, they wouldn't need to tell all of us that they don't. You get over it because if you don't, you'll never leave your room. You get over it because not everyone dislikes you and not all judgments are bad. You get over it because you live in a community filled with people, some of whom are very nice and helpful and like you. That's how you get over it, by having a sense of perspective. Don't worry, sometimes we meet people, who may not realize the goodness in you, same as sometimes, we fail to recognize in others. Just let it be. Be nice to people anyways, because we never know, what they are going through in their life. Everyone has a cross to carry just like us.
by syaazdn;

It's not easy when two people care about each other and live far apart. I hope you have some time right now to hear me out because I have a lot of things to say. I think we need to talk. Face to face. Can we do that? I miss you, but my mind has power over my heart. There are just a few things I wanted to say. Whatever happens between me and you, I know it can't stay this way. I'm insecure and worry too much. This, my dear, I know. I spend my time very lonely thinking of you and what could be. I hope that you understand how much you mean to me. And at night when we are both alone... hopefully - Please think of me. Turn everything down and listen. I need to know where we stand. Are our feet together or apart? Where have you hidden the rest of your heart? I've given you mine. Arteries, veins and all. Either give me the whole thing or keep it all to yourself. See, I'm a selfish person as if you didn't know what I want for myself, I don't like to share. Think all of this through real slow. Your decision will only be part of the play. Somebody still has to make a goal. I'm on defense. I won't let you through. Nothing comes that easy. First off, you have to talk to me. I just want some effort on your part. I've thought about this day and night. You don't have to write or call me all the time. Do those things when you want. I just want to know you love me. There's very little talk and very little action. They should be higher than that. I want to spend my days of youth happy not twisted up in knots of hate. Don't do that to me. Tell me what's going on and I will share my thoughts with you. But if you don't act or say something. Then you are leaving me to assume. Assumptions aren't good. At least not when they are from me. When I tell you do this and do that. I do that because I am afraid that whatever you decide to do on your own may not be what makes me happy. So my love I have come to my little conclusion. Just remember one thing and live by it too... I love you. Never say I don't love you.
by syaazdn;

You know what, I always knew that love would come find me someday but never did I know that it would be you who was headed my way. You caught me off guard and took me by surprise but you simply captivated me, the same way you do when I look into your eyes. It's true that every good and perfect gift is from above. You were presented to me as a beautifully packaged gift. "It isn't finding the perfect person but learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." We all have our flaws but when I view you through my eyes, perfection is all I see. Sometimes I wonder if what we have is too good to be true too scared to get my heart broken and scared of the thought of losing you. But in the end, I trust of what I believe because what we ask for in Him, we in return shall receive. "Where your treasure is, your heart will be also" is how the saying goes. I may not know what tomorrow may bring, for God is the only one who knows the one thing. I do know is that you are my one and only a treasure in my heart that I want to devote my whole life to completely. For now, I'll be waiting patiently for that day when we'll be together that precious moment in time when I'll say, "It's you that I want to be with forever." God made everything beautiful, precious and new just as beautiful and precious as the day will be, when I look into your eyes and say, "I Love You."